Driving Instructor Training - advice from the Undercover ADI: AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Tuesday 24 July 2007

AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

THE PRICES ARE ON THE FRICKIN WEBSITE PEOPLE!!!

Why do I keep getting these phone calls? Now I know I have to stay positive, I have to portray a good image of the company, but to be quite honest I'm sick of it.

It really puts me off a customer, and as I'm busy I'm not desperate for everyone who comes along, so I'm starting to get picky.

If someone asks for prices I try to find out where they found my number - if they say on the website then they've lost the game - I won't take them on. Let them find another mug - I really have no interest in wasting my time with foolish lazy people who don't actually look at the information they're given.

If however they ask articulate questions, based on intelligent research and sensible thought - I'll do them a cheap rate.

So be warned - an interview (be it over the phone or not) works both ways - if you don't make a good impression I won't take you on.

I reckon I'll save myself a lot of stress and aggro, and might have some fun at the expense of ill prepared and badly organised people which always makes me feel better!

(Should I have got out of bed the other side this morning?)

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Top 10 Reasons to sack an ADI. (in reverse order)

10: Not enough driving. Ok - for the first couple of hours you'll be talking for half of it, the next few your instructor might drive for a couple of minutes to get you somewhere quiet. By hour 10 (at the latest) you should be driving to and from home unless you live somewhere REALLY mad! Why do they do this - are they trying to save fuel or something to offset their stupidly cheap lessons?
9: Punctuality. If your instructor can't get their arse into gear to turn up on time - they probably don't plan their lessons properly either - ask yourself - do we just drive about with no real objective?
8: No record of your progress. You need to know how well you're doing, and what you are weak on - this is the only way to be aware of problems, and get them in perspective.
7: Too much irrelevant conversation. A chat is fine, but remember that you're paying to recieve training, not discuss philosophy - courses in that can be done with more interesting people at a fraction of the price.
6: Cr*ppy cars. Old - no problem. Ugly - no problem. Doesn't go into 3rd without a little wiggle and a shove - get rid, and find an instructor who keeps their car in good order.
5: General creepiness! This would be higher, but it's so easy to recognise as WRONG.
4: Stupid reference points for manoeuvres - what are you going to do when you haven't got that sticker on the window? They are meant to teach you to drive A car, not THEIR car.
3: Using your time to do their shopping. What are you, a taxi service - take a stop watch and charge them a quid a minute for anything which doesn't involve you learning to drive.
2: Shouting at you - is this what you're paying for? Does it help you? No, it makes you feel like sh*t - don't take it.
1: Mobile phone use on lessons - you paid for the time - you should get value for money - would you let the checkout lady eat your shopping while she put it through the till? Oh, and it's illegal - report the w*nker to the police.

What not to say on your Driving Test

"I only had a few last night, I wanted to be pretty sober for this"
"just keep hold of that door, the latch is a bit loose on right turns"
"you might wanna wind the window down - bad curry last night"
"GET ON THE PAVEMENT! - Bloody cyclists."
"it's ok, kids have quick reactions, they'll get out of the way"
"I always beep at blind people so they know I'm there"
"bloody pedestrians" (when barging through a busy zebra crossing)
"I'm colour blind - the top one IS red innit?"
"if I drop off, just give us a poke"
"can I have a glass of water - I need to take my tablets"
("would you like one?" manic grin!)
"I've got a touch of bird flu, but if you keep back I'm sure you'll be fine"
"let's hope it doesn't rain - the wipers packed up yesterday"
"this thing doesn't go into reverse"
"no, I never used an instructor, they just try to con you into taking more lessons"
"mine's the electric blue and pink Nova over there - the one with the spoiler and the twin exhausts"
"insurance? oh bugger."
"mind if I have a fag mate?"
"the wife's having a baby and it was due 2 days ago, you don't mind if I leave my phone on do you?"
"licence? oh bugger."
"don't mind the dog, he's just being friendly"
"do you mind if my uncle doreen sits in the back?"
"ok, belt up mate, this one's gotta be quick, I've got an appointment in half an hour"
"I only need my glasses for the number plate bit don't I?"
"erm, L-plates? oh bugger."

Top 10 Ways for you to Lose a Customer (in reverse order!)

10: Have a car that smells like their uncle doreen - the one with all the dogs and the incontinence problem.
9 Repeatedly cancel, and when you do turn up, you're late and end the lesson early.
8: You talk and demonstrate for 74 minutes of a 90 minute lesson. They drive for only 16.
7: Talk about rubbish for an hour while they drive around roads that they have driven a hundred times before, then tell them that was a great lesson, well done.
6: Tell your students that because of all the discounts you offered for the first few lessons, they'll have to take more to make up your wage.
5: Get your student to taxi you around to do your shopping on their lesson time.
4: Blame all of the problems on your student, when really it is your teaching that is cr*p.
3: Your car is 13 years old, and means that you have to teach double de-clutching to get it into 3rd.
2: You're really creepy, and keep steering the conversation to the problems in your marraige, including the fact that you haven't slept with each other in 3 years.
1: Use your mobile phone. If you're nicked you'll lose all of your customers in one go. If you're not, they just leave because they hate the fact that you are using their time to do your business. And it couldn't happen to a more deserving instructor.

What not to say on Part 3

"Remember, it's annoying doing all this now, but you can ignore it as soon as you've passed your test - that's when you really start to learn."
"and on the left we have the indicators and lights. Don't worry about big red button that says 'nitrous' we won't be using that until your overtaking lesson"
"that van's right up our bum, just blip the brakes a bit - that'll scare him"
"have you ever considered learning in an auto?"
"get a move on or we'll be stuck here all day"
"the pedals on the passenger side? Well one of them is a brake, and if that doesn't do the job, the other is for my ejector seat"
"you say you've got your test in a couple of weeks? I hope you don't get the old one - he's a right *$&£."
"erm.....what's the speed limit here?"
"Oh heck, I think I left my briefings in the cafe"
"I know your instructor said you'd be doing crossroads today, but the sun's out - lets go do some country roads - it'll be nice to get out of town"
"Oops, I think we're low on fuel, would you like to learn how to fill up?"
"Do you mind if I take this call - it's a customer and I'm a bit quiet at the mo, so I need the work"
"your previous instructor must've been cr*p - there's no way you should be in for your test yet"
"What the &*$@ do you think you're doing you #)(#}&^%!"
"Ok, hello dave, well before we do the lesson, shall we sort out the money - I normally charge £20 an hour, but as we're only having half an hour (I've got another lesson straight after you) I'll do you for £12"
"You're joking - I'm nervous enough as a driver - that's your seat - watch and learn luv."
"Insurance? Oh bugger."